The story started in a winter. I was born in a small city in the Jiangsu province. My birthday was a day of great celebration for my family. Being the only son, I was much doted on. Since my parents married according to their families’ will, they didn’t have any feelings towards one another. Perhaps my parents once tried to love each other, but all was in vain because of their difference in personalities. I remember they had never done anything intimate like holding hands or hugging. Instead, they behaved like strangers, treating each other with indifference and apathy. Such a painful marriage officially ended when I was six. I was to live with my father while my mother was also given the right of custody.

It seems that my homosexual tendency started around that time. I went to kindergarten at six. Once I happened to see the private part of a male teacher in the changing room. I felt my heart give a leap at this. Perhaps out of a child’s curiosity, I became more interested in men’s private part, which gave me a feeling beyond description. All I wanted to do was get a glimpse of it. Nearly a year passed and my father had to work abroad, thus I was placed in the care of my grandparents. Being somewhat chicken-hearted, I was afraid sleeping alone, so I had to sleep beside grandpa. This was when my hands started to play dirty— they touched my grandpa’s private part. Of course I didn’t have any ideas about sex then. I touched merely for the sake of curiosity and the desire to explore. I began to sleep alone when I reached primary four. It was at that time I had a little more understanding about sex. Passionate film scenes would often linger in my mind. Gradually I developed sexual fantasies. I would imagine having sexual relationships with more masculine teachers at school, just like what I saw in films. Such fantasies were simply incredible. Looking back, probably I was too deprived of fatherly love at that time. My father seldom saw me because of work. Besides, I felt insecure and somewhat inferior to others because of my parent’s divorce, which was still rare in the neighborhood then. A surge of pain swept over me when I knew people were talking behind my back. I wanted to escape. I had no idea of how to face the surrounding environment. I felt inferior as others were better and more powerful than me. I started isolating myself, even though I was an introvert already. Owing to my weakness, sometimes I was even bullied by my classmates. That was indeed a torture, but it was short-lived for I resorted to force. I fought with the bullies thus I wasn’t bullied anymore. Undoubtedly, sexual fantasies were indispensable at most nights. At thirteen I entered junior secondary. Those three years were wonderful, as I was able to turn over a new leaf. I developed a keen interest in studying, which had never happened before. Three years later, I was admitted to the best secondary school as the best student in class.

However, my life in senior secondary was a road beset with difficulties. Various psychological problems turned me into a passive role in studies. I remember craving for friendship then, yet my desire was not fulfilled, which made me feel particularly lonely. Solitude was painful. Even if you are among the crowd, you can still experience the plight in which security and interaction are absent, and solitude is silently waiting. I had never experienced solitude, but I passed my senior secondary years basically in solitude. I started to feel I was different from others when I entered my second year. A lot of my classmates were in a relationship, while I felt nothing about girls. To make matters worse, the subject of my fantasies was still the same sex. I was scared to death by this horrible fact. When I was in the third year, I realized that I might be gay. This notion basically devastated me. I didn't have any energy left to pursue my studies. I felt too distressed that I could not see any light, however brightly the sun shone.

The advanced level examinations were finally over. I was accepted by a mediocre university which was situated very near to home. My timetable was very flexible since the university study schedule was not as packed as that of senior secondary. This allowed me to alleviate my pain and I began to feel better. I adopted psychological methods to repress my inner hopelessness and encourage myself, hoping that these could change my sexual tendency. Unfortunately, this couldn’t last long. I became hopeless again the following year. What should I do? Was it the way of my life? I was not satisfied, yet I could not change anything. I began searching on the Internet on how to change sexual tendency through medical or psychological methods. Nevertheless I found such methods very complicated. Also, they didn’t yield a high chance of success. Later, I came across New Creation Association in Hong Kong, wow, I was like someone discovering a life-saving straw. I found that it was actually a Christian-based. I did not have the faintest idea about Christianity, yet I could feel that it was a positive, sunshine belief or religion. At first, I had a very utilitarian attitude towards the whole thing—if God could change my sexual tendency, why didn’t I believe in that God? So, I made up my mind to become a Christian. Of course I didn’t know anything about the religion then. At the same time, I began corresponding with Mr. Chung, the person in charge of the association. His story and encouragement was of great help to me. Meanwhile, I found house church at school. The uncles and aunties there were very warm and friendly. They were the first group of Christians I knew. They made me feel that love existed even among strangers. It was a kind of trust, sharing, friendship. I went to church every Sunday, and devoted my spare time to studying Bible. I often cried when I read the Bible or listened to religious songs. I was surrounded by God’s love. I felt I was forgiven and saved. That feeling was simply fantastic. My broken heart was gradually healed. Most importantly, I know that God loves me. Below are my favorite three Biblical verses.

Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians, chapter six, verses 9 to 11
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will e of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

What an amazing thing! Almost as early as two thousand years ago, the Bible already told us that God forgives homosexuality through Jesus. If you are willing to repent, you can be a chaste, righteous man with the precious blood of Jesus Christ. This is such a tremendous grace!

To change is a slow process. God cannot take away our poisonous thorns just by a wave of hands.  But I could actually feel that God’s love and strength growing in my heart. My once broken life was slowly recovering. The most obvious example was that I forgave my father. In a dream, I quarreled with my father and I scolded him. I was greatly shocked when I woke up, as I discovered there was a trace of resentment towards my father, only that feeling was hidden in the subconscious and had never been discovered until then. There was a need for me to forgive my father, as he loved me very much and he had already tried his best. Later again in a dream, I hugged him and wept. I had forgiven him. Even though this was just a dream, deep down I knew all these did happen.

The world was full of sorrow, but perhaps deep down everyone’s heart there was such a place—a place of wound, a place of humiliation. Nevertheless, God is willing to visit the place. God is love. Love is like flying like a bird. To love is to fly. God created us from his image. We are also among the mode setting in love. Homosexuality is not inborn, rather it is acquired by many factors, just like the stuttering kind in the film The King’s Speech. He was not born with stuttering, but was traumatized by childhood experiences. Luckily, with the therapist’s help, he was improving and succeeded in giving his speech. Perhaps he will stutter for the rest of his life, but so what? What matters most is he did it. I highly recommend you read a book called The Shack. Mack’s adventure may be of help to you. Recently I also read two books about heaven experience., which were equally great. They are The Heaven is for Real and The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven.

Much has been said about my experience. I am grateful to God, who has saved me, who has saved me from various aspects. I would also like to thank the hard work by the New Creation Association. May God take pity and save this group of people. Let’s pray.